Smoking As Self-Medication

Self-Medicating With Smoking

One thing I have learned about myself in my journey to quit smoking is that I use it to self-medicate. I doubt I’m the only one who does so. For me I am self-medicating for panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. I’ve had those most of my life, but they started getting better when I started smoking. I started smoking when I was 12 years old. Not something I’m particularly proud of.

Since my Mom died in 2010, I’ve had a lot more panic attacks and over-all anxiety than normal. This means I’ve reached for my fail safe far more often. Quitting smoking is hard enough, stressful enough, by itself. With the added stress of my finances crumbling, the strain of my Mom’s passing, and what seemed like months of Murphy’s Law being in effect…it’s become almost impossible. But I’m still trying. I don’t always get very far, a few days, a few weeks, even a few months at one point…then the panic sets in hard core. I try to ignore it, try to move past it, but I keep failing.

It’s not because I don’t want to quit smoking. Oh I do very much. But I haven’t the habits in place to replace smoking yet. The usual methods aren’t working, and my doctor and I are working on my meds, but sometimes I feel stuck in a never ending cycle. I hate smoking, but I haven’t figured out another method of dealing with the panic yet. It’s a cycle of testing out different methods, hoping that one day I will hit the nail on the head and finally be done.

Why do you smoke? What roadblocks have you hit?

Still Struggling

I am now on my third time quitting smoking, and it’s more challenging this time then the last two times. The first time, which is chronicled here, was six months long. The second was nine months long. Each time, my quit was murdered by stress – which I didn’t have another way of dealing with.

The first time, I ended up with a rat in my house. I am extremely rodent-phobic, so this was a major stressor. Of course, I probably was over-reacting to the situation, but that’s what a phobia is. To say I flipped my lid would be an understatement. It appeared to be someone’s pet rat (sorry to whomever may have lost it) as it was the wrong color for our local wild rats, and was lacking that ‘wild’ look. It died in a rat trap, though I will say I was expecting it to be a red squirrel (the scourge of Maine).

The second time I was doing great with this whole quitting smoking thing…or so I thought. My mother ended up in a car accident, and died one month later. Needless to say, this was stress I was NOT prepared to deal with. Unfortunately that also seemed to precipitate an immense increase in stress for the next year. At the same time as the drama unfolding with my mother, I was diagnosed with several health issues. That was just fuel for the fire, let me tell you.

But I’m not giving up. No matter how hard it may be to quit smoking, or how many times I have to try, I refuse to stop trying. I am tired of being a slave to something that is probably making things worse in the long run, even if it is the go to stress reliever. If you are quitting smoking yourself, don’t stop trying…even if you think you have failed. You haven’t.

Two Month Smoking Relapse

Image by Thirteen Of Clubs via Flickr

After nearly seven months of being quit, I had a two month relapse due to stress, the holidays, etc. With the current cost of cigarettes, I ended up spending quite a bit of money that I really did not have, which as we all know only increased the stress levels. So here I go again, basically starting from scratch to quit smoking. I know I can do it though, since I was very successful for those seven months.

One thing relapsing taught me is that most of the physical complaints I had prior were from smoking. Smoking affected my stomach, causing me to be nauseous a lot; smoking affected my head, causing more headaches; and smoking definitely affected my energy levels. It even seems to make me more depressed, to worry more, and have higher anxiety levels. Odd, considering most smokers smoke to avoid such things and to take a break.

Time to walk back down the hard path to being smoke-free again! :)

QST:Day Three – Cold Turkey

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Today was definitely the worst day so far. I woke up wanting a cigarette, but it passed after I drove by the store without stopping. I don’t really know why I suddenly want one, I haven’t had any cravings really for a couple of days now, and I haven’t been around any smokers. Maybe just the physical memory of it.

One of the things I do to get my past a craving is to take a deep breath, just like I’m inhaling smoke. Hold, and release. That often releases the craving, as my lungs just wanted to go through the motion.

I’ve been having some mild pains when I take a deep breath off and on today. I think that’s just my lungs clearing themselves, as I also noticed it the first few days I was on the nicotine patch. Since it resolved itself, I’ll just monitor it. My stomach hasn’t bothered me quite as much today. It seems like it was worse on the nicotine patch then this time around. Or I just haven’t hit the worst of it yet. I’ll have to see how it goes.

Energetically, I’m not great, but still far better then I was on the nicotine patch. I’m getting things done, I’m more motivated…life is good, heading towards great. I seem more like my old self again, full of life and vitality instead of burnt out and broken. Its a nice change, and I’m hoping it only gets better!

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QST:Day One - Cold Turkey

Image by isabel bloedwater via Flickr

Well, today was my first day going cold turkey after my relapse, and I actually have done pretty well all day. I’m not sure why, but I haven’t really been craving them, and save for an odd moment here and there I haven’t really been irritable. I’m actually milder then I am when smoking.

Though this morning was very disorienting. I was having a “Calamity Jane” day…where nothing was going right. But I got out and about, went boating with my family, and all in all had a great day. No one in my family really knows that I had a relapse, as I managed to keep it from them. That didn’t make me feel great either.

One thing that has been a big help today is cough drops. I don’t know what it is about them, but sucking on them has really helped keep me mellow. Maybe because they ease the tightness in the lungs? I really have no clue, all I know is it helps.

Relapse

I relapsed the past two days. I can’t seem to win for losing. But I’m not giving up! I’m going to try cold turkey, with the patches only if necessary.

Right now I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, and I’ve woken up the past few times feeling the same way. If the patches didn’t make me so sick, I’d go on them in an instant. I still will be talking to my doctor during my appointment, and maybe there are options I haven’t seen or used yet.

If I do use the patches, I’ll try only using them during the day. I know I can do this, and I know how GREAT I’m going to feel when I succeed. Not sure if I should change my Quitnet stats or not. I’ll be trying to keep myself busy. On the upside, I didn’t smoke in such a way to reinforce old habits…and I smoked outside. I need to get done with this, I detest smoking!

Regaining my life, one day at a time.

Quitting Smoking: The Calm Before The Storm

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I am about to take the plunge. I am quitting smoking, after almost 14 years of smoking. With the rising costs of cigarettes, I just cannot afford to smoke anymore. A carton is now costing $60, with plans to continue to rise in the near future. That's ridiculous! Highway robbery if you ask me...but no one did.

I have other reasons as well for quitting smoking, besides financial. My health for one. I hope to one day see my grandbabies. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm going to see if by quitting smoking I gain some of my missing energy. I practically live on caffeine to get through the day. Okay, not practically, I do.

As I type this, I have about 4 cigarettes left of my carton. I already bought the patches, and they've been staring me in the face for days. Am I ready to do this? Not hardly. Is this a good time? I couldn't have picked worse. But do it I must. I want my life back.