Smoking As Self-Medication

Self-Medicating With Smoking

One thing I have learned about myself in my journey to quit smoking is that I use it to self-medicate. I doubt I’m the only one who does so. For me I am self-medicating for panic attacks and an anxiety disorder. I’ve had those most of my life, but they started getting better when I started smoking. I started smoking when I was 12 years old. Not something I’m particularly proud of.

Since my Mom died in 2010, I’ve had a lot more panic attacks and over-all anxiety than normal. This means I’ve reached for my fail safe far more often. Quitting smoking is hard enough, stressful enough, by itself. With the added stress of my finances crumbling, the strain of my Mom’s passing, and what seemed like months of Murphy’s Law being in effect…it’s become almost impossible. But I’m still trying. I don’t always get very far, a few days, a few weeks, even a few months at one point…then the panic sets in hard core. I try to ignore it, try to move past it, but I keep failing.

It’s not because I don’t want to quit smoking. Oh I do very much. But I haven’t the habits in place to replace smoking yet. The usual methods aren’t working, and my doctor and I are working on my meds, but sometimes I feel stuck in a never ending cycle. I hate smoking, but I haven’t figured out another method of dealing with the panic yet. It’s a cycle of testing out different methods, hoping that one day I will hit the nail on the head and finally be done.

Why do you smoke? What roadblocks have you hit?

Still Struggling

I am now on my third time quitting smoking, and it’s more challenging this time then the last two times. The first time, which is chronicled here, was six months long. The second was nine months long. Each time, my quit was murdered by stress – which I didn’t have another way of dealing with.

The first time, I ended up with a rat in my house. I am extremely rodent-phobic, so this was a major stressor. Of course, I probably was over-reacting to the situation, but that’s what a phobia is. To say I flipped my lid would be an understatement. It appeared to be someone’s pet rat (sorry to whomever may have lost it) as it was the wrong color for our local wild rats, and was lacking that ‘wild’ look. It died in a rat trap, though I will say I was expecting it to be a red squirrel (the scourge of Maine).

The second time I was doing great with this whole quitting smoking thing…or so I thought. My mother ended up in a car accident, and died one month later. Needless to say, this was stress I was NOT prepared to deal with. Unfortunately that also seemed to precipitate an immense increase in stress for the next year. At the same time as the drama unfolding with my mother, I was diagnosed with several health issues. That was just fuel for the fire, let me tell you.

But I’m not giving up. No matter how hard it may be to quit smoking, or how many times I have to try, I refuse to stop trying. I am tired of being a slave to something that is probably making things worse in the long run, even if it is the go to stress reliever. If you are quitting smoking yourself, don’t stop trying…even if you think you have failed. You haven’t.

Two Month Smoking Relapse

Image by Thirteen Of Clubs via Flickr

After nearly seven months of being quit, I had a two month relapse due to stress, the holidays, etc. With the current cost of cigarettes, I ended up spending quite a bit of money that I really did not have, which as we all know only increased the stress levels. So here I go again, basically starting from scratch to quit smoking. I know I can do it though, since I was very successful for those seven months.

One thing relapsing taught me is that most of the physical complaints I had prior were from smoking. Smoking affected my stomach, causing me to be nauseous a lot; smoking affected my head, causing more headaches; and smoking definitely affected my energy levels. It even seems to make me more depressed, to worry more, and have higher anxiety levels. Odd, considering most smokers smoke to avoid such things and to take a break.

Time to walk back down the hard path to being smoke-free again! :)

Still Smokefree!

Image via Wikipedia

I am still going strong! I have been smoke-free entirely, and I haven’t slipped once so far.

Of course part of that might be due to all the complications I’ve had with my depression meds. Including body cramping, which could mean that it wasn’t the nicotine patches. Or perhaps it was a combination of the two, since it was far worse in the biceps then it is now. But I’ve done more then my fair share of sleeping, and getting absolutely NOTHING done.

But smoke-free I am, and hoping to continue onwards. I have had some mild weight gain, I’m now currently 142.4 lbs. Though that could be from the lack of movement as well. One thing I’ve noticed is a smokey taste in the back of my throat. I’m hoping that it goes away soon, but its been there for about a month now. Its far worse when I wake up then during the day, and I can only assume it is from my lungs cleaning themselves.

Hope everyone else that is quitting smoking is doing well out there! Chime in and let me know how you are doing. :)

Technorati Tags: Quitting Smoking Timeline,Quitting Smoking,Withdrawal Symptoms

Quitting Smoking Resource

Image by stallio via Flickr

I’ve built a Squidoo Lens for quitting smoking. On it I’ve listed several resources, sites, information, as well as make it easy to purchase quitting smoking aids if you are thinking about quitting.

Quitting Smoking Resource

Go ahead and check it out. You can comment on either Quitting Smoking Resource or here on the blog. Input is greatly appreciated, as well as any recommendations for anything dealing with quitting smoking.

QST: Day Nine & Day Ten – Cold Turkey

Image by Trinitas Imaging / Udit Kulshrestha via Flickr

Things are most definitely getting easier.  Besides the over reaching smell of nicotine that I just cannot shake no matter what I do.  Frankly I doubt it will ever fully disappear, since this place has seen years upon years of smokers.  I’m just hoping to get it down to a dull roar…barely noticeable.

I had a serious coughing fit last night, but my lungs seem clearer now.  Part of that might have been exercise induced.  My ears are still going numb, which is annoying, but it seems to have improved.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed lately, due to migraine headaches.  Not sure if its caused by my normal tree pollen allergy or if its partly due to the quitting.  My tree pollen migraines do not usually have me bedridden.  But that’s why the posts have come in twos lately. :)

Technorati Tags: Quitting Smoking Timeline,Quitting Smoking,Quitting Cigarettes,Cold Turkey

QST: Day 7 & Day 8 – Cold Turkey

Image by rp_poly_cuh via Flickr

This was the first year I have been smoke free on my birthday since I was 12.  What an awesome feeling that is.

My lungs started to really hurt Friday night, and they are still full and feeling yucky.  My ears have been going numb off and on for the past week, which is odd.  And rather annoying as well.  Either I have a pinched nerve, or my circulation is a bit wacky right now.

I’m still loaded with nervous energy, but not accomplishing a lot.  I’m having issues focusing the energy into anything productive.  I’ve started breaking out, which so far is NOT my most favorite side effect.

Current weight: 138lbs

Technorati Tags: Quitting Smoking Timeline,Quitting Smoking,Cold Turkey,Quitting Cigarettes

QST: Day Six – Cold Turkey

Image by HeyThereSpaceman. via Flickr

I figured out some of my irritation and craving for a cigarette.  I’m hormonal.  Apparently that really does make a difference.  And accounts for a few other symptoms as well.

I continue to resist the siren call of cigarettes, even though I can detect even the faintest amount of nicotine in the air.  I survived my first real test today, as it was one of those days where normally I would either smoke like a chimney, or someone would be six feet under.  In pieces.  I didn’t smoke, and no one is dead!

I’d say I did good, hormonal AND quitting smoking?

Technorati Tags: Quitting Smoking Timeline,Quitting Smoking

QST: Day Four – Cold Turkey

Image by Bossanostra via Flickr

OMG I WANT A CIGARETTE!  Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…seriously.  I’ve craved one ALL day.  For no real reason.  I had to ignore stores that I drove by, and I’ve been trying to keep myself busy all day.

It got worse this evening.  I’m still quite crabby.  Poor Princess probably is wondering where her Mother went, and who this Troll is in her place.  Not my best day.

Physically though, everything has been dandy.  No stomach problems, less gas, only coughed a few times…I almost feel normal again.  My weight though has been yo-yoing like crazy.  I’ll be up a few pounds, then down, then up, then down…its been insane.  I can’t quite keep up with it all!  Guestimating weight gain so far, I’d say about 5lbs.

Current weight: 140.8

Technorati Tags: Quitting Smoking Timeline,Quitting Smoking,Quit Smoking,Cold Turkey

QST:Day Three – Cold Turkey

Image via Wikipedia

Today was definitely the worst day so far. I woke up wanting a cigarette, but it passed after I drove by the store without stopping. I don’t really know why I suddenly want one, I haven’t had any cravings really for a couple of days now, and I haven’t been around any smokers. Maybe just the physical memory of it.

One of the things I do to get my past a craving is to take a deep breath, just like I’m inhaling smoke. Hold, and release. That often releases the craving, as my lungs just wanted to go through the motion.

I’ve been having some mild pains when I take a deep breath off and on today. I think that’s just my lungs clearing themselves, as I also noticed it the first few days I was on the nicotine patch. Since it resolved itself, I’ll just monitor it. My stomach hasn’t bothered me quite as much today. It seems like it was worse on the nicotine patch then this time around. Or I just haven’t hit the worst of it yet. I’ll have to see how it goes.

Energetically, I’m not great, but still far better then I was on the nicotine patch. I’m getting things done, I’m more motivated…life is good, heading towards great. I seem more like my old self again, full of life and vitality instead of burnt out and broken. Its a nice change, and I’m hoping it only gets better!

Technorati Tags: Quitting Smoking,Quitting Smoking Timeline,Quit Smoking

QST: Day Two – Cold Turkey

Image by isabel bloedwater via Flickr

I only had a couple of flare up moments, easily reduced by either ignoring the craving, sleeping it off, distracting myself or removing myself from the situation. I do keep having a coughing fit now and again, but they’re far milder then when I was using the nicotine patch.

My energy levels aren’t soaring yet, but I’m no longer feeling the bone crushing weariness I was smoking and on the patch. When I’m tired its normal tiredness, versus can’t keep my eyes open another minute tiredness.

I had some stomach upset today, but a Tums seems to have knocked it out. The changes are definitely interesting, as my body seems just as intent to purge the nicotine as my brain is.

QST:Day One - Cold Turkey

Image by isabel bloedwater via Flickr

Well, today was my first day going cold turkey after my relapse, and I actually have done pretty well all day. I’m not sure why, but I haven’t really been craving them, and save for an odd moment here and there I haven’t really been irritable. I’m actually milder then I am when smoking.

Though this morning was very disorienting. I was having a “Calamity Jane” day…where nothing was going right. But I got out and about, went boating with my family, and all in all had a great day. No one in my family really knows that I had a relapse, as I managed to keep it from them. That didn’t make me feel great either.

One thing that has been a big help today is cough drops. I don’t know what it is about them, but sucking on them has really helped keep me mellow. Maybe because they ease the tightness in the lungs? I really have no clue, all I know is it helps.

Relapse

I relapsed the past two days. I can’t seem to win for losing. But I’m not giving up! I’m going to try cold turkey, with the patches only if necessary.

Right now I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, and I’ve woken up the past few times feeling the same way. If the patches didn’t make me so sick, I’d go on them in an instant. I still will be talking to my doctor during my appointment, and maybe there are options I haven’t seen or used yet.

If I do use the patches, I’ll try only using them during the day. I know I can do this, and I know how GREAT I’m going to feel when I succeed. Not sure if I should change my Quitnet stats or not. I’ll be trying to keep myself busy. On the upside, I didn’t smoke in such a way to reinforce old habits…and I smoked outside. I need to get done with this, I detest smoking!

Regaining my life, one day at a time.

Quitting Smoking Timeline – Day Seventeen

Image via Wikipedia

It has been a crazy couple of days. I think I’m having a far more violent reaction to the 14mg then I did to the 21mg. I was ridiculously sick yesterday, so hence why no blog post. Maybe I should move to every other day from now on, let me know what you folks think.

The cramping is getting worse at time on the nicotine patch progresses. Today my entire left arm ached, from really painful last night to downright painful all day today. In fact its still cramping up as I type this, and I do not currently have a patch on. Though I did just remove it.

I’ve thrown out that pack of cigarettes that I bought, with no immediate plans of buying another one. Maybe I should test run another day off the patch, and see how it goes. At least it would be coming off of a lower dose this time. I do have an appointment with my doctor May 4th, so if all else fails I will be speaking to him about it. Being almost incapacitated isn’t exactly reinforcing my desire to quit.

16 days, 21 hours, 36 minutes and 27 seconds smoke free.
338 cigarettes not smoked.

$104.00 and 2 days, 13 hours of your life saved.

Your quit date: 4/7/2009 2:21:00 AM

Deciding To Quit Smoking

Image via Wikipedia

If you are still at the thinking about quitting stage, or even if you are quitting but are wondering why you wanted to in the first place, take a peek at this article. I've explored the difference between thinking about quitting smoking, and actually deciding to quit. Let me know what you think, if it helps you any or if you have anything to add.

The Decision To Quit Smoking

Quitting Smoking Timeline - Day Fourteen

Image via Wikipedia

I learned two things today. One, that I really am allergic to nicotine. Two, that I'm not quite ready to do without the patch.

Yup, I caved and bought a pack in a weak moment. Smoked two and have regretted it ever since. I felt like a smoke inhalation victim for hours. My lungs still feel rather burnt. Then without thinking I grabbed the third. The patch is BACK on. I will take the nonsense from them. It is far preferable to what I was doing.

Its amazing what those little white cylinders actually do to your body. While smoking, I never noticed how much I was hurting my lungs. But light up a cigarette after two weeks without one, and you notice real fast. Its like running into a burning building and deliberately inhaling the smoke. Put that way, it really doesn't make any sense anymore, does it?

I'm still coughing. And I felt good all day today until then. My energy was high, I felt free, I could breathe...almost felt like I could take on the world. I want that feeling back. I screwed up, but I learned a valuable lesson. Onwards and upwards!

13 days, 21 hours, 55 minutes and 44 seconds smoke free.

278 cigarettes not smoked.

$91.00 and 2 days, 2 hours of your life saved.

Your quit date: 4/7/2009 2:21:00 AM

Quitting Smoking Timeline - Day Twelve

Image via Wikipedia

Day Twelve

Today wasn't overly productive, but slightly more then previous days. Had a rather difficult day with Miss Attitude, which made it a bit more difficult to cope. Need some new coping skills, as I'm not reaching for a cigarette anymore. Sincerely debated buying a pack today, just to have on hand, but resisted the urge. All it will do is reset my progress and make things worse. But it was VERY tempting.

Nicotine patch is still causing cramping and redness. Slight nausea last night, but it past rather quickly. New aches and pains are appearing randomly, almost makes me think the tar was holding me together! Lungs still feel rather brittle and slightly burnt. Brain still isn't functioning as well.

Weight: 136lb...-.2 from last time. Current gain: 2lbs

Quitting Smoking Timeline


10:48am - Woke up after another rather restless night, though a definite improvement over previous nights.

1:58pm - Really want a cigarette, mostly due to Miss Attitude going dramatic. Miss Attitude down for nap, and I followed suit. Small pains in area of lower lungs. Deep breaths and went away.

4:03pm - Woke up from nap. Miss Attitude is back to Princess. Still dozey, hit stare phase.

8:14pm - Miss Attitude in full swing again, a bit irritated. Stomach twisted, and a mild headache.

11 days, 19 hours, 52 minutes and 54 seconds smoke free.

237 cigarettes not smoked.

$71.50 and 1 day, 19 hours of your life saved.

Your quit date: 4/7/2009 2:21:00 AM

Quitting Smoking Timeline - Day Six

Image by Energetic Spirit via Flickr

Day Six

I've made it through my first holiday smoke-free! Somehow, I'm not sure how. I do not have a quitting smoking timeline for today, as I was out and about for most of the day. It helped that the places I went to were smoke-free, but unfortunately the conversation seemed to drift that way frequently. It can be hard when you are constantly reminded of it, though this blog doesn't seem to make any noticeable difference in that direction.

Luckily for me I did fall asleep rather quickly last night, so it appears that the days of insomnia are over. Unfortunately, there still remains the problem of getting up in the morning. I'm still having a very difficult time doing so, but at least I am starting to hear the alarm clock again. It might have to do with the extremely vivid dreams I am experiencing, especially close to the time I need to actually wake up. Took a two hour nap after doing the family rounds, so not sure how that is going to affect my sleep tonight. But it has seemingly made me more productive, I've been on a cleaning frenzy for the past two hours or so. My nose is becoming increasingly more sensitive, and having always had a decent sense of smell, the littlest things are driving me nuts. Noise tolerance seems to be reaching normal levels, although certain levels of noise are still running on my last nerve.

My lungs are far clearer today then previous days, although the coughing is getting worse, especially at night. It doesn't seem to be productive at the time, but the heaviness has dissipated as well as a lot of the pain, so many something is moving in there. I haven't had too many problems with the nicotine patch (NicoDerm CQ STEP 1 Clear Nicotine Patches) yet, some mild redness that shows up a couple of days after removing the patch and lasts about a day, and then some mild itching after the redness fades. Weight gain has been negliable, actually lost three pounds when I weighed myself on day three, and have since only gained back 1.6 lbs so far. Current weight is 135.6.

	5 days, 20 hours, 21 minutes and 5 seconds smoke free. 117 cigarettes not smoked. $32.50 and 21 hours of your life saved. Your quit date: 4/7/2009 2:21:00 AM

Quitting Smoking Timeline - Day One

Image via Wikipedia

Day One

Well, today is day one of my quitting smoking timeline. I officially quit smoking as of 2:21am, right after I smoked my last cigarette. I put the nicotine patch (I am using NicoDerm CQ STEP 1 Clear Nicotine Patches) on and went to bed. Unfortunately, I could not sleep. The nicotine patch burned at first, and felt rather foreign...like putting a sticker on your skin. It itched a bit as well. Plus my mind just wouldn't stop racing. Isn't it interesting how that happens? You go to bed, then suddenly you come up with thousands of different thoughts and ideas.

But I digress. After tossing and turning for a bit, I started feeling queasy. Yup, you know where that went. I'll save you the gruesome details. Not sure if it was from the nicotine patch, from dinner, from all the milk I had drank, or from the touch of vertigo I had had most of the evening. Or some combination thereof. Eventually I fell asleep, and woke up this morning. Late of course. Perfect way to start my day.

Quitting Smoking Timeline

9:00am – Woke up late, after having a difficult time sleeping.

10:17am – Driving was interesting. All I could think of was not knowing what to do. I felt off. I smoke a lot when I drive, at least one cigarette each way.

11:38am – Having a difficult time knowing what to do with my hands. Grabbed some carrots and Russian dressing to help keep my hands and mouth busy. The nicotine cravings aren't too bad, but looking for my cigarettes is already getting annoying.

1:30pm – Now I really want a cigarette. Not so much for the nicotine, but because of the silly carrots. My body is wondering how on earth it is supposed to digest these things. Its used to having the after food cigarette! I have had a fairly productive hour though. Not as productive as I wanted, but definitely better then yesterday! I'm hoping this continues to improve.

5:11pm – I have a headache. I've had it since about 3pm, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. Rather annoying in fact. I'm not 100% sure if it has to do with quitting smoking, or the amount of work I've been doing. If I weren't having such a blonde day, I'm sure I'd be even more productive. My lungs are also starting to hurt. They almost feel as if they MISS the smoke!

7:30pm – The physical symptoms are starting to kick in. My stomach hurts, I'm gassy (not that you REALLY wanted to know that), and my intestines are in knots. Still not sure what to do with my hands, I keep glancing toward where I keep my cigarettes. I've had a few moments of irritation, but so far nothing bad or uncontrollable. My noise sensitivity is sky high right now though. And I'm developing a cough. At least cough drops should help the oral fixation part! Maybe it will help the sore lungs as well. My sense of smell seems a bit more intense then it has been, either that or I'm smell-lucinating!

21 hours, 3 minutes and 25 seconds smoke free.

18 cigarettes not smoked.

$5.70 and 3 hours of your life saved.

Your quit date: 4/7/2009 2:21:00 AM

Quitting Smoking: The Calm Before The Storm

Image via Wikipedia

I am about to take the plunge. I am quitting smoking, after almost 14 years of smoking. With the rising costs of cigarettes, I just cannot afford to smoke anymore. A carton is now costing $60, with plans to continue to rise in the near future. That's ridiculous! Highway robbery if you ask me...but no one did.

I have other reasons as well for quitting smoking, besides financial. My health for one. I hope to one day see my grandbabies. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm going to see if by quitting smoking I gain some of my missing energy. I practically live on caffeine to get through the day. Okay, not practically, I do.

As I type this, I have about 4 cigarettes left of my carton. I already bought the patches, and they've been staring me in the face for days. Am I ready to do this? Not hardly. Is this a good time? I couldn't have picked worse. But do it I must. I want my life back.